Monday, April 6, 2009

100% inadequate, 100% of the time

Is this how motherhood feels? Honestly?
I was terrible at being single. I was terrible at trying to date. Now, somehow (heaven only knows), I snagged myself the most amazing man on the planet and I am terrible at being a wife. I am terrible at being a mother.
At least this is how I feel at 3:30 in the morning... and a six thirty in the morning, when I haven't slept at all during the night... and again at ten o'clock at night, when I am laying in bed wondering why I'm not sleeping...
Christian reassures me, probably 1000 times a day (poor guy, what has he gotten himself into?!), that I am doing great, that I am handling this drastic life-change so well; but that just doesn't satisfy this lingering feeling of inadequacy. It's not that I feel like I am failing, but I just have no idea who thought I could actually do this!!
Case in point:
This is no nanny gig. When six o'clock rolls around and I have spent an entire day having a blast with a vibrant, spunky and energetic six-year old who has worn me completely into the ground, there is no handing her off to mom and dad and climbing into bed so I can have enough energy to fly kites, run around the lake, play tag and walk around museums the next day. I am mom. I am mom. I am mom.
I feel like this week is going to be my ultimate "mommy" test. If I mess up this week... I don't know what "messing up" would entail, but... I am terrified of whatever that may be!!
My friends, pray for me. Pray for unsuspecting Sarah Lynn. Pray for Christian, my oh-so supportive husband.
AND come play, if you can. We'd love for you to come by!


SchraderFamily said...

Clarissa, I am sure you are doing great! Mommyhood is quite the undertaking especially when you get to start in the middle instead of at the beginning. I totally admire you. I think Sarah could wear down the most energetic person; she has so much life in her that girl. I know you will get used to, until then our prayers are with you. Tell Sarah and Christian hello and that we love them! And we love you! If you ever need an outlet, you call me.
Love~ Brit

Taylor K said...

Issa, did you forget that when we nannied for the Wesches we had a good two months when we had four kids and DIDN'T go home at night?!?!?! You are fine. You are an excellent mother and you have the unconditional love of an amazing man and an incredible daughter. Give yourself a little credit. You handled the Wesches. You've got this. :) I love you.

Kristal and Jason said...

Just to reassure you....yes this is what motherhood feels like for me 100% of the time. I always feel inadequate. I guess in the end it just matters that you gave it your best (even when somedays my best is just making sure they are fed and diapered). You'll do great!

DJ, Valorie and Ammon said...

Babe, you can only do so much. It's not easy being a mother when you have had the child since birth and you already had nine months to prepare. Ease up on yourself, you are the mother of a six year old girl and if you remember yourself at six (ask me if you don't) you should REALLY ease up on yourself. LOL
It's not easy being a wife either, but it's all worth it. I have raised Ammon for four years and I still feel like I am doing a crappy job of being his mother. I have been married for 7 1/2 years and I still suck as a wife. I know it gets better though. I don't think there would be so many good adults in the world or so many 50 year anniversaries if it didn't get better. Besides, we always think less of ourselves than our husbands and children do.
I love you sis!

Aunt Tiff said...

You amaze me!! I have never known anyone who could handle this better than you, yet you doubt! I have NOOOOO doubt that you are the most AMAZING wife and mother! I honestly believe that it takes a special person to take someone elses child and love them as their own, and you my friend are one of those special people! Sarah is SOOOO blessed to have you as a mommy and Christian to have you as a wife. Prepare yourself, because there will be more of those days to come! The days you are feeling inadequate you need to find your phone, find a minute, find my number, and call me!! I can PROMISE that two seconds on the phone with me you will be feeling like you are SUPER WOMAN!! Love ya girl...keep up the awesome work!!