Thursday, December 4, 2008

Just one of those LIFES...


That's a ridiculous title, but I'm having so much more than one of "those days" or "those weeks" or "those years." I am just having one of "those lifes." Lives... life... s... Bah!

I have had a wonderful life, to be sure. I often think about my amazing blessings. A lot of my blessings stem from great hardships. Let's just start with the biggest shaping of my current existence -- moving to Heber (a.k.a. Nowhere), AZ the summer before my sophomore year in high school. Quite frankly, up until a couple years ago, I only looked on this place as a cursing to my life. My family visited Heber a few times before moving there. We thought it was a cute place where people waved to you as you walked down the street. How quaint. Right?!

But having to live there was a whole different ball game. It was cool for the first few months -- when I was "fresh blood" and new. But things swiftly went down-hill. Friends weren't really friends. I started being the brunt of horrible and rude and tasteless jokes and various abuses. I didn't like where I was or who I was. It took me some time to realize that I couldn't allow other people to dictate how I felt about myself.

**Now, this is not a sob story... promise.. I'm just thinking out-loud, really. Mostly, this is for me. My personal therapy or something. Will save me thousands in pills and Dr. bills...** tee hee

My junior year was quite lonely as I had to evolve into someone new. I eventually found friends I thought appreciated me a little more. I can still remember asking a friend "What bothers you about me?" And she told me that I was too loud all the time. And you know what? I realized I was too loud ALL THE TIME. I still am. But I didn't need a friend who thought that. I know I'm too loud. From that time forward I never felt like I could be myself around her, I was always afraid I would be too loud. You know what I told her when she turned the question? I said "I just wish you could see yourself the way God sees you and the way I see you. You are beautiful." Haha. Oh well.

Ok. This is already longer than I intended... To make it shorter... In the loss of friends, I found my family. We went through A LOT of hard times in Heber. I learned to lean on my parents and siblings. I learned to love them and I learned to love me. If for no other reason, I thank Heber (and Heaven) for that. And not to mention... I have a few great friends from Heber (sure we hardly ever see each other or talk) that I hope to have for all my life. I think they know who they are. They are Heber's "golden jewels" whether they still live there or don't. I thank my Father in Heaven for opportunities to see the good from the bad.

NOW TO THE REAL POINT OF THIS POST:
My life is a cycle... a roller-coaster... But my roller-coaster is stuck on a REALLY BIG, STEEP HILL... I can hear the CLICK... CLICK... CLICK... and feel the CLUNK... CLUNK... CLUNK...
I really have nothing else to say about that right now. Just expressing my feelings...

Sorry for the long post.

6 comments:

Eve said...

I feel you.

I feel the click and the clunk myself right now.

For what it's worth, you were missed while you were in Hawaii.

Aunt Tiff said...

WOW!! I honestly didn't know it was that bad...cause I think you are AMAZING, always have, always will!! Maybe it is because we are both LOUD...ALL THE TIME:) I hope I am one of the friends you were talking about. I love you and I love your family!! I am sorry that people were mean...mean people suck!! If I ever was, I hope you will forgive me!

Aunt Tiff said...

Hey...I need your address too!!

justpulse said...

Hey listen, so I just discovered that you have a blog, and I am so glad. Now, about this post.. I had no idea. I'm so sad people were like that. I think the idea of you being too loud is ridiculous. Just ridiculous. You are bubbly and fun, but not loud. Anyway, I love you and I know what you mean about how the hard times when everyone else seems to reject you can be good because they force you to turn to the people who really matter and who really care. You are so great, C.Bau.

JaredandKatie said...

Hey Clarissa! I found your blog while "blog hopping", hope you don't mind. You are such a great writer, you are so talented. I had no idea you had a hard time in Heber. I always thought you were so "popular" and what not. I guess it's a good thing high school means squat, eh? ( I had more of my share with bad experiences there too) anyway, I saw your wonderful grandma and dad last month, it was so nice to visit with them. You look fabulous and I am so jealous that you work and live in D.C.!!! That's awesome!!Anyway, sorry for the novel. Just wanted to pop by and say helllo!!!

KaNdRa and JaReD said...

Hey if it means anything, I thought you had a great personality and I always thought of you as a good example because I never saw anything that you shouldn't have.Your glass was always half full. I also loved your b-ball skills, it was fun playing with you!
kandra